What It Is to Be Sith
by bluevalleymist
Summary: Darth Thanaton's apprentice writes a letter to someone she killed. Hints of romance but not really a theme in it. Doesn't really follow the story of SWTOR or have much to do with it other than mention of Darth Thanaton.


It was on the cold of Hoth I found you.

Breath fogging into the air and falling to the ground as miniature ice particles. It was there that I got the satisfaction to see your blood flow across the pure white ground, tainting it and melting it down. I watched as the steam rose from where the warmth intermingled with the cold. For the first time, I knew what it was to be Sith.

I knew what it was to take my hatred, my pain, my anger, and use them to strengthen me. Even after all my years of training, it was the first time I didn't let them control me, but rather, I controlled them. I knew I could return to my master, Darth Thanaton, with pride. He would know of my victory over you, know that I used my emotions to take my revenge.

I would return to him with my head held high, the scent of blood still lingering like a distant memory on my robes and my gloves. He would see the taint in my eyes, the way the dark side was beginning to corrupt me. It would be a step closer to my goals, though I had no real ambition to ever kill him. Perhaps the most un-Sith like emotion I had was the affection I felt for him.

He was more to me than my master, more than a teacher. To me, he was the truth behind my passion, the truth behind desire. The feelings I felt for him fueled the power inside of me, more so than any of the others. In the moment my saber ripped through your stomach, spilling your intestines onto the ground, I thought of him. I thought of what it would feel like to have his lips against mine, to feel his touch against my skin.

The feelings those thoughts elicited that coursed through my veins were what kept me going in the final moments. Watching you try to regain yourself from the icy snow, watching you struggle to control your pain as I had mine, none of it was enough to keep me going. I had forgotten entirely that there was my blood on the ground as well, that there was a reason I didn't put any pressure on my right leg.

It wasn't until I saw your eyes grow distant, the light behind them fading away with the last remnants of your life, that I remembered the wounds you had inflicted. My chances of returning to my master were dwindling. The red essence seeping from your body was no long spreading, but the blood that ran down my side and leg let the pure snow lessen.

I had to get to the ship before I could no longer support myself. Though I know it would disappoint you to know, I did. I gathered what lingering emotions I had from your death and let them fuel me, but they were nothing compared to my pain. The pain grew too much for me to handle, too much for me to manipulate to keep me going. Instead, my thoughts returned to him.

Knowing that I may never see my master again, I stumbled my way through the snow. The only way I could think to keep warm was to think of his body against mine, the warmth I would feel once I was with him. Despite any pride, I knew he would never greet me in the way most people think of romantic attractions. There would be no affectionate hug, no kind mutterings of how I would be alright. To have any acknowledgement would be lucky, to have any of my dreams fulfilled would be a miracle, but the thoughts got me to my ship.

It was there that my faithful 2V-R8 droid, worthless up until this point, secured my flight to Dromund Kaas. I was grateful, lying in bed and staring at the dim ceiling, that there was no Republic resistance along the way. Any delay and the last of my own life would fade, leaving me to meet you on the other side. If my spirit ever lingers in this realm of the force and I am forever trapped with you, it will be a hell I cannot endure.

But to my luck still, the droid was able to summon my master on the holocomm. Though his words were less than inspiring, he at least knew of my arrival. Of course, he would have known to begin with. With his strength in the force, no matter how weak my energy would have been at the time, he would have felt me arrive on the planet.

It took all the strength I had to lift myself from the bed. The med center in this spaceport wouldn't be far. If I could make it there, their kolto injections would heal me enough that I could rendezvous with the man I so longed to see. And it was in that moment, when I received the injection, that I realized one day, I would either have to kill Darth Thanaton or risk being passed up by a future apprentice that he deemed worthier than I.

Unless by some twist of fate the man began to feel my own affections back. But as you well know, old friend, the Dark Council member I serve is not so forgiving. He sent me to kill you for this very purpose. Though I have no regrets in my deeds against you, I do wish that things would have turned out different.


End file.
